The Cost of Protecting Your Peace - Why Black Sheep Need Community
- Roshni
- Mar 22
- 3 min read
For many black sheep, “protecting our peace” has been a survival strategy. We’ve spent years shielding ourselves from harm, cutting off toxic relationships, and learning to be self-sufficient. But at what cost? While setting boundaries is essential, too much isolation leaves us disconnected from the very thing we all need most: community.
The Black Sheep’s Path to Isolation
As children, we start out open, loving, and eager to connect. But through painful experiences we learn how dangerous people can be. Many of us grew up in environments where we were misunderstood, scapegoated, or dismissed. Over time, this teaches us to be hypervigilant, hyperindependent, and ready to cut someone off at the first sign of harm. While is effective in keeping us safe, it also means we struggle to stay in and develop relationships when challenges come up.
We become so good at guarding our peace that we forget peace isn’t just the absense of conflict - it’s the presence of connection. It’s allowing ourselves to feel safety even when connection is inevitably imperfect.
Dive Deeper In This Podcast Episode
In this Becoming Enough podcast episode, I explore the double-edged sword of protecting your peace. While it’s helped us survive, it can lead to loneliness. I discuss why we need community more than ever. We have to come to terms with healthy conflict and the feeling that we can’t always be in control.
Real connection isn’t easy, but it’s always worth it.
I talk about:
How black shep develop a tendency to isolate,
Why even “weak ties” are a form of connection that improves our wellbeing,
The difference between necessary boundaries and emotional avoidance, and
Practical ways to start reconnecting with community without sacrificing yourself.
Research Reminds Us of the Power in Connection
New research by Ascigil et al. (2021) highlights how even brief everyday social exchanges can improve wellbeing. This study shows that “weak ties,” like chatting with a barista, neighbor, or cashier, contributes to emotional and physical health.
In one study, London train commuters who were asked to talk toa stranger reported more enjoyment than those who kept to themselves. Another study found that coffee shop patrons who engaged with their barista experienced a boost in mood compared to those who prioritzed efficiency.
Holt-Lunstad (2021) further emphasized that social connection not only impacts mental and emotional wellbeing, but physical health as well. A meta-analysis of over 148 studies found that strong social ties increase survival rates by 50%. Conversely, loneliness and social isolation are associated with a significantly higher risk of premature death, Type 2 diabetes, and even cardiovascular disease.
This research supports what many of us intuitively know: while isolation may feel safe, it comes at a steep cost. Real healing isn’t just about avoiding harm, but about actively engaging in the world around us. We’re earthlings, afterall.
Listen to the Full Episode
If you’ve been struggling with isolation but also find people exhausting, this episode is for you. I break down how to find a balance between protecting your peace and finally allowing yourself to be a part of something bigger.
All references cited in episode:
Phinney, J. S. (1991). Ethnic identity and self-esteem: A review and integration.
Wakefield, W. D., & Hudley, C. (2007). Ethnic and racial identity and adolescent well-being.
Cohen, S. (2004). Social relationships and health.
Holt-Lunstad, J. (2021). The Major Health Implications of Social Connection.
Ascigil, E. et al. (2023). How Daily Small Talk Can Improve Well-Being.
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